I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.  The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20 NIV

I was 4 years old when the abuse began.  Because of what he did and said to me for the next 3 years, I believed I was nothing.  Every time I was abused by another man over the next 20 years (8 men in total), it reinforced that lie.

Even when I finally gave my life fully to Christ at the age of 32, I was still damaged and was completely bought into the lie that Satan had planted deep within me.  “Look at all that you have done.  God will never want you this way.”  I believed that I had asked for all that had been done to me and lived full of shame.

I thought if I simply lived as though everything was great, everything would be great.  Was I wrong!  Behind the smile, volunteering at church, keeping a perfect house and lying to myself and my husband that I was fine, I was slowly dying.  I became unable to be intimate with my husband, which led to divorce.  I was drinking entirely too much to hide the pain and an eating disorder had taken over my life.    

At this point, I imagine you are thinking, You mentioned dying, is this what it means to die to yourself?  I want no part of this!  I was thinking the same thing.  I found myself yelling at God.  I’m living for You God, why is my life falling apart?  I am still broken!

During my 4th round of treatment at an eating disorder hospital, I was feeling defeated and my therapist gave me some excellent advice.  She said that we can have all of the tools and advantages in front of us, but unless we pick them up and use them nothing will change.  Just like your phone, unless you update it nothing changes.

I belonged to Christ but still lived by the old ways.  It wasn’t until I accepted the fact that God loves me, truly loves me the way I am; damaged, hurt, shameful and broken, that my life actually began to change.  2 weeks after that conversation, I was discharged from the hospital for the last time!  The past year has brought more healing than I ever thought possible!  God is so good and faithful!  He was waiting for me to lay down my ways and pick up His.

Friend, if you can relate please know that there is hope!  All you have to do is download the update.  Galatians 2:20 says: “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.  The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

Search your heart and ask God to show you if you have truly died to your old ways and are living new in Christ.  I can’t wait for you to feel the amazing freedom that comes from fully surrendering to the God who loves you!

Dear Lord, thank You for loving me so much that You want to make me completely new in You.  Please help me to fully lay down my old self and pick up the new.  In Jesus’ name, amen.