Learning to Depend Upon Him
Truly my soul silently waits for God; from Him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation. He is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved. Psalm 62:1 (NKJV)
My husband and I had just welcomed our third child, a beautiful baby girl, into the world two weeks before Christmas. We were so excited about celebrating the season with our new family of five and in my mind I had so many great ideas of how this Christmas would look.
In my typical Type-A personality, I had the house decorated, the meal planner ready, the baby clothes washed, the nursery prepared, and the Christmas presents bought, wrapped, and under the tree all before December 1st. I was ready to welcome our baby girl home and I was going to enjoy a stress free holiday even if I did have a newborn.
What I didn’t prepare myself for was the deep, dark depression that set in just days after she was born. With this being my third born I knew what the baby blues felt like and this was way more than that. I was so anxious and I hated to be left alone.
I started having panic attacks and I felt like I was going crazy. I had no confidence in my ability as a mom and I was in a dark place. My husband tried his best to help me but there was nothing he could do but pray for me.
I had my entire family with me on Christmas Day and shortly after the Christmas dinner dishes were being washed and put away I just lost it. I started sobbing uncontrollably and went to my room but not before my 7 year old son saw me and grew very worried about his mama.
My husband followed me to the bedroom and saw me sobbing in my own mom’s arms. I told her that I didn’t think I could do this. My mom and husband encouraged me to go back to the doctor and get medication for what we now know was pretty severe post-partum depression.
I had a choice, admit that I was not in control of my own emotions or keep trying to hide it and control the situation until it got better. Was I going to keep faking it or was I going to let go and let God speak to my heart?
It was so hard to admit my need for help and admit that no matter how much I prayed and listened to praise music and meditated on Scripture the depression was not getting better.
God took me to a place of needing Him deeply and I learned to draw near to Him during those long and lonely days. I did seek treatment for PPD and I was amazed at the huge difference a little medication made for me.
God really used those days to teach me how to fully depend upon Him and that even the best laid plans can go awry.
Many times, I didn’t know how I would make it 10 hours at home by myself, in the winter, with three little children, and a husband at work. But you know what? God was sufficient for me, I was not in control, and He was able to give me the strength and grace I needed moment by moment.
Eventually the cloud of depression lifted and I am happy to say that 10 months later we are all doing great and this precious little girl has been an unbelievable joy and blessing to our family.
Are there any circumstances in your life that God has been using to teach you to depend more upon Him and less upon yourself?
What Christ-like traits or qualities is He trying to grow in you through difficult circumstances? What areas of life is He asking you to let go of the reigns and let Him take control?
O Heavenly Father, we ask and pray that You give us the wisdom and strength to let go of areas in our lives where we want to control and allow You to take over. Help us as women to know when we need to turn things over to You and give us the discernment to let go of things that are way beyond our control.
Remind us that You are God and we are not. Thank You for Your grace, mercy, and sufficiency even in the darkest days and never let us forget that even when things seem to be over our heads, all things are under Your Feet.
Karen Ehman’s book and small group study called Let.It.Go. speaks to how we as women can stop running the show and start walking by faith. Available at www.p31bookstore.com.
© 2018 by Annah Matthews. All rights reserved.
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